Dear Bisexual,
Hi, I am a bi curious married 24 year old woman. I love my husband and plan on being with him the rest of my life. But I have never been with a woman before and want to try this. I fantasize about women a lot. My husband knows all about this, we have very open communication on this subject. And he wants me to find a girlfriend. He encourages it, sometimes too much. I go back and forth with my thoughts. Sometimes I really want to pursue this and other times I really shy away and feel insecure. I have dated/ went out with two women, but nothing ever went anywhere. One of them just seemed to fall off of the face of the earth after we had hung out a few times and I thought that everything was going fine and the other one says that she is only feeling a friendship vib, which is cool. If I do this I do want to find a girlfriend with whom I can have an ongoing relationship not just a onetime thing. I feel awkward, and shy and don't know what to do. It could just be because I have never dated women before? Or because I haven't really even dated very many men, only about 4. I am a very docile person sometimes and feel unsure of myself. Not very many people close to me know that I am bi curious. Can you offer me any advice?

I think you are on to something about feeling awkward and shy because you haven’t dated much of either sex. After enough practice, you may well still be awkward and shy, but you may discover that dating sucks not because of who you are, but because it just plain sucks.

Well, it’s not all bad. There’s always the occasional thrill of finding someone good for you. That’s what keeps most of us going.

I suggest taking it easy. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Put yourself in environments that will increase your chances of meeting someone right. Google up your nearest bi organization and start hanging out at events. If your nearest bi organization is 500 miles away (and they often are), try getting involved with the nearest LGBT organization. If you want to be ultra discrete, go to one at least an hour away. Just being around people will mean you’ll make like-minded friends and meet their friends, get invited to stuff, and then one day, across the room, you’ll see her.

Meanwhile, a supportive BF is great, but it’s important you are doing it for you. This is your thing. And no, he can’t watch. (Well, that is, unless you and your new GF really want him too.)


I have a problem. I only recently discovered that I'm bi, before that, I honestly believed I was straight. I'm horribly aroused by women, I'm seriously attracted to many of my female friends, and I've never even so much as looked at a guy twice. About a month ago, I met this guy that turned me into butter. A month of thinking, dealing, and sorting, with the help of my bi roommate (who I call my sister, because we act like siblings all the time!) I have taken on the identity of bi. Now, the man who turned me into butter is my problem. See, the second time we were near each other, he started pushing towards sex. I told him that I needed time to work through the idea of being attracted to guys and he told me "honey, we both know you're gay." I don't know what to do with him now... I'm working my head around my bisexuality, and with it I'm discovering a hightened sex drive I never knew I had, but I don't know if I want to be with someone who is discounting who I am like that...

Man, I feel ya. Nothing pisses off this bisexual like having my feelings discounted.

So what do you do when you are attracted to someone who may not be so good for you? Believe it or not, I’m not going to suggest just forgetting about him. Everybody deserves a chance. Try this: be clear to yourself what you want for now. I’m hearing not physical and someone who respects you and your feelings. Decide for yourself what your requirements are, where your boundaries lie, and then tell him. And stick to it. If he can’t handle it, then Mr. Beefcake will need to go bye-bye.

Easy to say, but hard to do? Sure. But get in the practice now of having good boundaries, because life is full of people willing to test them.
 

Dear Bisexual,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5-years. He has recently told me that he is bi-curious, as am I, but not the point of this email. I am very turned on at the idea of a bi-mmf 3-some, but how do you get it going, how do you know if the other guy is into it?

There is a terrible double standard here, it is completely acceptable for a bi ffm scenario, nobody blinks an eye, and it's easy to find. But, for whatever reason, two men together is unspeakable. Why are so many men homophobic, but only when it comes to man/man...girl/girl is totally hot. I am straying from my original point...how do you initiate a conversation (or action) with a guy if you aren't sure whether they're open to the idea or not?
Thank you!
M & K

Dear M & K,
That’s a toughie. This bisexual finds it hard to really be sure anyone is will be into anything until we are laying there, trying to catch our breath after, and s/he says “Oh, yeah, I was into that.” Hell, for that matter, I’m never that sure I’m going to be into something until I try it.

All you can do is ease into it with someone you’d like. Gently sound them out, their likes and dislikes. You’ll have better luck with a queer guy—gay or bi—than hoping to take a straight guy on a trip to the wild side. Don’t forget: in this modern world, there’s always online, where you can be plain as to your plans.

But no matter how you slice it, it’ll be a risk. So it goes.

Good luck!

Dear Bisexual:

How do I get my bisexual friend (boy) to like me (boy).
PS: I am bisexual too

Ah, the age old problem of people of all orientations. I like that person, but they don’t think of me in that way.

Well, let me tell you, this bisexual has gotten a few bumps and bruises over the years. Here’s what I’ve found out: You can’t.

You can’t get them to like you. They may grow to like you the way you want them to, but sadly there’s no magic formula. Don’t get me wrong, you can help yourself. If you are there for them, if you let them see the real, authentic you, if you are willing to be vulnerable, and, now this is a big one, if you let them know without pressuring that you are interested in them, they may reconsider how they’ve seen you in their lives thus far.

At the end, he may choose you. Or not.

Sorry, I wish there was more, but that’s the stuff of songs and movies. Good luck!

Like to see some old questions and answers?  Check them out